VIII

Have you ever had the feeling that everything you do is wrong and the ramifications are unimaginable? I have been having these kinds of feelings for the last couple of weeks. I don’t quite know why…….

I suppose I should go and talk to someone about all of these insecurities that I have penned up inside of me, but to whom? To whom should I bare my soul to, definitely not my parents? What will they say; I know, they will that there is nothing wrong with me. All of it is just in my mind, it will go away, or are you eating right, sleeping enough, exercising enough, bla, bla, bla …….

But not how to solve them, to break down the fortress that is holding all my sorrows, and grief and all those other unpleasant feelings that I want to get rid of my mind and my life. Some one once told me that all these stupid fucked up emotions that only confuse and plans to bring me to my knees is what makes us human.

Our emotions are only ''incidents in the effort to keep day

and night together. ~ T.S. Eliot.

Well, the way I am right now, with current condition, I just wish I wasn’t human.

But then I would be branded as inhuman, or to put it in a less dramatically term, less human. A person without emotions, without any frustration, doubt, insecurity …… Well, there are I guess there will be a negative side effect, I might become insensitive, withdrawn, no sympathy, no empathy, cold, and no remorse. But is that so bad? I mean I would really like to be that way. The reason is simple, in the modern world you have to inhuman to succeed in life. You have to bully, cheat, lie and have no compassion what so ever for all of those you have hurt. Well, that’s the way I see it.

The world needs anger. The world often continues to

allow evil because it isn't angry enough.

~Bede Jarrett

The advantage of the emotions is that they lead us astray.

~ Oscar Wilde

And when I have finally reached where I want to be in life, well, then I give back to society what I owe them, just like all those wealthy bastards do nowadays. Till then, I want to inhuman. What a wish that I can’t seem to fulfill. I guess I still have a soul in me. A rather kind but messed up soul.

Even with a kind soul, I still have a problem opening up to people. I don’t know why, I prefer to keep things bottled up. The reason why ramble here is simple, no one is going to read this; no one is going to comment on this. Well, almost no one, nobody is anonymous online didn’t you know that.

What a pretty little web I have weaved inside my messed up little head. I just wish I could come up with all the answers that I need to solve my problems one by one or at least a guide to help me along the way.

Well, that’s all the ramblings I have for today, till next time ……..