VIII

Have you ever had the feeling that everything you do is wrong and the ramifications are unimaginable? I have been having these kinds of feelings for the last couple of weeks. I don’t quite know why…….

I suppose I should go and talk to someone about all of these insecurities that I have penned up inside of me, but to whom? To whom should I bare my soul to, definitely not my parents? What will they say; I know, they will that there is nothing wrong with me. All of it is just in my mind, it will go away, or are you eating right, sleeping enough, exercising enough, bla, bla, bla …….

But not how to solve them, to break down the fortress that is holding all my sorrows, and grief and all those other unpleasant feelings that I want to get rid of my mind and my life. Some one once told me that all these stupid fucked up emotions that only confuse and plans to bring me to my knees is what makes us human.

Our emotions are only ''incidents in the effort to keep day

and night together. ~ T.S. Eliot.

Well, the way I am right now, with current condition, I just wish I wasn’t human.

But then I would be branded as inhuman, or to put it in a less dramatically term, less human. A person without emotions, without any frustration, doubt, insecurity …… Well, there are I guess there will be a negative side effect, I might become insensitive, withdrawn, no sympathy, no empathy, cold, and no remorse. But is that so bad? I mean I would really like to be that way. The reason is simple, in the modern world you have to inhuman to succeed in life. You have to bully, cheat, lie and have no compassion what so ever for all of those you have hurt. Well, that’s the way I see it.

The world needs anger. The world often continues to

allow evil because it isn't angry enough.

~Bede Jarrett

The advantage of the emotions is that they lead us astray.

~ Oscar Wilde

And when I have finally reached where I want to be in life, well, then I give back to society what I owe them, just like all those wealthy bastards do nowadays. Till then, I want to inhuman. What a wish that I can’t seem to fulfill. I guess I still have a soul in me. A rather kind but messed up soul.

Even with a kind soul, I still have a problem opening up to people. I don’t know why, I prefer to keep things bottled up. The reason why ramble here is simple, no one is going to read this; no one is going to comment on this. Well, almost no one, nobody is anonymous online didn’t you know that.

What a pretty little web I have weaved inside my messed up little head. I just wish I could come up with all the answers that I need to solve my problems one by one or at least a guide to help me along the way.

Well, that’s all the ramblings I have for today, till next time ……..

VII

Have you ever felt as if you’re forced to submit to what society deems proper. If you do anything that is different, well, you are a social outcast. I think it’s just strange that in today’s world it is said you have to be unique, special, exotic, and the best word, an individual.

But over the years, I have learn that being unique and not caring what others think of you is not a good thing in the US. You are considered weird. Outside the norm. I find this rather annoying and rather appalled by this social fact. This is because I used to believe that what you see is what you get. And if you can’t handle that, well, it’s your lost.

After coming here, I have noticed that it is actually my lost. It seems that here, you are forced to be a conformist. Although I am still trying to be an ‘individual’, different from everyone else. I find myself questioning every choice I make. It seems that the society I am in right now is a society that wants you to be a unique and open minded person, but at the same wants you to conform to what the media has deemed proper and acceptable.

No longer are the ideas that you conjure up for yourself that you believe is the real you. The real you is what your friends depict it so. That is when you begin to conform. You are no longer an individual; you are one of the masses. You are unable to convey your ideas and aspirations for fear of ridicule and ostracize. You compromise and compromise, till one day you realize that no one will remember you, not even your so called friends. Because no one will remember them too.

It seems that you have to pick a side in order to survive in this society. If you move away from social norms, you are deemed a rebel and also a freak. And that makes you a social outcast. But if you stick with the group, be one with the people, you are fine even if you’re pretending to be in the group. You are considered safe, reliable and trustworthy. And most of the time you are none of those things.

For those of you who have chosen to rebel, I salute and bid you good luck on your quest of being an individual, and not a conformist. As for me, I am still a rebel, even if I don’t seem to be. But let me warn you that if you choose to be a rebel, you will be tested, again and again. All your actions will be scrutinized and questioned, even though you have done nothing wrong.

Well, that’s all for now………

VI

Lately, I have been feeling as if I have lost my way. I don’t know why. I just feel lost, abandoned by life’s cruel ways and society’s pressure on excellence, although the privileged don’t have to worry about that. But for people like me, it’s a whole different ball game.

I simply don’t know what I need to do to get back my focus on my life’s goal. I feel like all my hopes and dreams are being pulled away from me by an unseen force. Maybe I am thinking too much of it. Maybe I am being paranoid; the world is trying to get me or something like that…...

But on a more serious note, I do feel like fate is toying with my future. Will I be pushed into a corner and take whatever options that are available to me? Or will I be able to fight back and take back what I have lost?

In my mind, I am in a crossroad, one road tells me to fight while the other tells me to give up and cut my losses. Neither road has a visible light at the end. The roads get darker as it gets deeper. The only things visible are pathways on each road leading to some unknown destiny. I know it sounds cliché, but cliché works for me right now.

I don’t why life throws curve balls in my way. I envy those who have it the easy way. Good genes, or good connections, it doesn’t matter what matters is the end result. Hard work and all that crap is just added flavor to the end result. It gives the person a better image when he or she talks about what they have accomplished. Its like if you got it, (whatever it is) flaunt it. I am jealous of those people, people who have got it all. Good genes especially, you may have been born into a poor family without any connections, but nature gave you an added bonus, you do have good genes, the rest is up to you.

I envy and also loath these ‘gifted’ people. Everything comes so easy to them. I know that all of would know or have met these type of people at one point or another. You know who I am talking about. The one who always seems to be fooling around but at the end of the day that one always comes out on top. The person could do no wrong in life. If a mistake was made, something props up to save the day.

Lately, as I view it; nature has been giving added bonuses to those that don’t actually need it. And I am sick and tired of this. Why didn’t nature give and edge, provide me with an added bonus, give a second chance or third ……..

The modern was of life is all about who you know, and how you play that to your advantage. As for me, I know quite a few, but I don’t play that game, or more accurately I don’t know how to play that game. I am losing out aren’t I?

Well, I am screaming into the rain and no one to scream back. I guess that’s what my ramblings are all about. No one to scream back ………..

Well, that’s all for now folks. Tune in next time for more ramblings …….

V

Sometimes I really wish that I could turn back time and change my decisions whenever I feel like it. Oh, how I wish I could right all my wrongs, well, most of my wrongs (don't wanna Mr. Perfect). I don't want to change everything that went wrong, just the part that makes me regret my decision immediately after making it.

I wish that life was more like writing an English paper. The instructor tells you to write a paper about a certain topic and hand it in the next week. And you finish the paper, you hand it in and get it back the next class. The instructor tells the class that you can improvise your paper hand in the final piece the following week. So, you make the necessary changes that are required and you new grade will be better than you old one, naturally. Now, that is what I wish life was. For me that is, and for me alone. Well, I can't have everyone in the world getting better can I. I am selfish when it concerns me, just like every Tom, Dick and Harry out there.

People are just like that. It’s in our genetic make up to better us, to make us look good and better than all the rest that is the human way. People enjoy seeing other people more miserable than us, just because it’s not us. I like the German word for it; it has a certain aura about it, Schadenfreude, a joy in the sight of the pain of others. So why can’t I have a wish that I turn back time and improvise my life and making my life more interesting and more fulfilling that it actually is (not that I’m complaining or anything, but you know maybe life could be better). I guess it’s simply because in my life the grass is always greener on the other side and I just want a little bit of the action, a slice of the pie. I just want grass to be green to. I sound like a person who is disgusted with life don’t I. I don’t know, maybe I am.

I guess that I am loosing faith in mankind…………….

Well, that’s all for my ramblings for now. Tune in next time for more ramblings for those who actually read my stuff……..

IV

Everyone has heard of the saying, 'What goes around comes around'. I know I have, if I think back I might have been brought up with that saying but with a twist. My mother always told me that God will take care of them. But does He really take care of the evildoers, I always wondered about that.

When I was a kid, I always wondered what happens to people who do bad things. As I grew up, I was reality hit me hard. I noticed things that the really bad people never get punished, they get fined. Real nifty ain’t it? The fine could go up to whatever amount, but usually these people are able to pay it. Heck some of them don’t even have to pay; they are so high up in the “community” that the police don’t even bother.

All of these big shots have friends in all the right places, I think that’s the phrase that is used isn’t it, I’m not sure. Anyhow, that is what reality taught me at quite the young age.

What goes around NEVER comes around. That is to put it mildly is life. I don’t quite know why that phrase is still used. I simply do not know. Maybe it is used to give a sense of hope, justice, and equality to all mankind, I don’t know. But what I do know is this, kids should be taught at a very young age that life is full of bad people, always keep an eye open.

Maybe the world thinks that children need to be kept naïve and joyful to protect their innocence from the bad, bad world. My question is how long must children be protected from the world.

I know most kids from modernized countries don’t believe in the bad, bad world. They believe that if parents set boundaries and limit their actions, then parents are perceived as bad people. Parents who try to protect them are said to bad parents, kids test their patients. But the strange thing is that, kids actually believe that people do not have limits on their patience.

Okay enough about family for now………

Next, back to the main point of my ramblings …….

Have you ever seen people in high places (most of these people are actually bad, bad people – they hide behind their nice clothes, their nice and politically correct language, which is actually crap, and most important thing of all their good looks. Come on who would even think of bad things when you see a nice looking person) get caught for anything. The ones who do get caught must have actually pissed off somebody on the upper floors. Now, in my opinion on why people don’t get caught for all the wrong things they do, is simply this: 1) they who to call. 2) they have a very, very large spending limit (well, some don’t have a limit). 3) they just make the person accusing them of any crime disappear, either physically or make something up to show that he or she is not credible (well, lying sounds better doesn’t it, gives more power).

Well, since I believe that no one will ever read my ramblings I can pretty much ramble as much as I can, can’t I ?

III

I was reading an article on MSNBC online about Pakistan. The article was about what the President of Pakistan, President Gen. Pervez Musharraf intends to do about dealing with rape cases. He wants to change the law, removing tradition and religion from the context of proving and convicting a rape. The current law follows a law that dates back to the early days of Islam, whereby a rape can proved if only four truthful eyewitness' come forward and address a council. Now that is how rape cases was dealt in the 7th century and the days before DNA testing. I for one am not particularly fond of Musharaf, but to me this is the best thing he could have done to raise the status of women in his country, so be it. Who cares if 68 of 344 lawmakers of the Pakistan’s National Assembly, which could cause a by-election. This is when a dictator should like a dictator, well that's just my opinion.

I know that many people in these communities are very religious, but come on people. Grow up. This is the land where the old saying, 'an eye for an eye, a tooth for tooth' holds strong. Lets go back 2002 when Mukhtar Mai was gang raped allegedly on the orders of village elders because of something that her 12 year old brother did at the time. She was raped by a total of 14 men twice, once in public by 4 men.

Come on, this is not Islam people. This is simply Neantherthals hiding behind the face of Islam. It is the same thing that happened during the dark ages in Europe where the priest had a lot of influence and whatever they said was thedivinee wish of God. Well, that is what is happening here although it took a long time, but that is what is happening.

The people involved are being taken care of. Where as Ms Mai can't travel anywhere as herpassportt has been taken from her by the government. She has been placed on a travel ban that prohibits her from leaving Pakistan. How ironic thatpublicityy can also affect people who don't care what others think of them (meaning the west).

Well, who am I to judge. I am insignificant. I am a tree falling in the middle of the jungle that no one hears.

II

It seems strange to me that a country that wishes to promote democracy to the undemocratic, do not know to whom they are dealing with.

Yes, i'm talking about the US. Americans in general are totally ignorant towards the world around them. They behave as the Japanese did before the Portugese settled in Japan. The Japanese believed that they were alone in the world, well, apart from the Chinese and the Koreans of course, but apart from that, they were alone. They were self reliant. They grew their own crops, traded among themselves, and also had their own religion, the Shinto.
In many ways America is somewhat like Japan, it is surrounded by water seoerating it from the 'old world'. But in my opinion, if America wants to be the worlds champion, it has to be able to know who it is safe guarding. It amazes me that a nation that prides itself as being the representative of the people, doesn't know the people.

One quick question. How many people in America can defrentiate between a Sikh's turban and an Arabic kiffayah? Well, not many. Only those who are in the know will know. To me it is just ironic. So, how is the US going to keep the world safe?

The old saying, "Know thy enemy", really plays apart. It is just not enough to simply know about the number of people that live there, and what is that country's income, and the statistic. In order to win a war, you need to study the people, how they think, predict how they would react and not predict how you want them to react. Now that's how you win a war.

One other question to sum up my ramblings. Why is it Americans will only know a country when there is a war?


With confidence I am rambling because I assume that no one will reply...........

I


why is the world seem to be run by manipulators.
is it simply because the rest of us are easily manipulated?
or, is it because we allow ourselves to be manipulated?
are we puppets,
to be pulled by strings?

are these manipulators, whom the people call 'The Man'? who are these manipulators?
are they made up of members of a secret society that makes all the decisions on what is hip and trendy and what is not?
do they make the decisions on how the rest of us lead our lives?

I believe there is a secret society that tells us
what to do, what to think, what to say, what to feel, how to act ..........

what happens to those who oppose the rules
they make their own rules ....
do they succeed?
or do they perish under their own words and believes?
do they later on become a member of the secret society that rules us all?
or do they cripple under their own words and beliefs?

I ask these questions on the belief that no one will reply.
because I am insignificant.
but whoever who wishes to reply, please do .......
if not i would have to go on rambling, stop me from rambling